Hello

Hello, it's been awhile. I've been thinking about the way I used to be. Believe it or not there are times when I used to be happy. Truly happy. Little kid happy.Now, I'm cynical and mean. I don't mean to be it's just at some point I just forgot how to behave. I hide away. I used to work at job where everyone there was apathetic and cynical about everything and I used to FUCKING hate those guys. Now I'm one of them. What the fuck?

Crazy Heart

I watched the movie "Crazy Heart" and there was a part in the movie that really got to me. Jeff Bridges played a star country music song writer that had abandoned his first child. He was now officially a drunk and a fuck up. When he called his son after 30 yrs. of absence his son hung up on him. And when he talked about how stupid it was to call his son now...Robert Duvall's character said , "You were WRONG. But now your doing the RIGHT thing. So, keep calling him." I never thought there could be redemption after 30 yrs. of doing the wrong thing but I have to admit Rob's got me thinking. Gives me hope.

Loose Ends

Today I saw a news story that took me back. A woman was attacked by her husband with a power drill. He stabbed her in the back with the drill just missing her kidney. The D.A. in Floyd county In. refused to press charges or even talk about the case with the media. In Louisville a Bellarmine student gave birth to a still born child and subsequently charged with murder because the baby was discovered in a toilet. Both of these cases are almost laughable unless your the woman that spent needless months in jail because you gave birth to an already deceased baby or the woman with a drill sticking out of your back. But then again the only people that take victims rights seriously are victims. Call me if your stabbed, beaten or shot and tell me I'm wrong.

The show "Undercover Boss" needs to be renamed "Shit really does roll downhill". Or "Instead of Getting You Health Insurance I Bought a Boat". Or "How Bout a Raise Ya Cheap Bastard". All that phony feel goodery may make people feel good but it still doesn't help anybody making minimum wage.

Back to Work

I've been dealing with a foot injury for a year now. I hurt it running and I ran with the pain for about 6 mos. Then I quit running and focused on lifting. I love to workout. The sweat. The pump and the burn. The war. Caesar has come back from the dead to smash all the steel left in the world. To conquer. It's hard to feel that way when you aren't healthy. Except I got a shot in my foot that's supposed to take care of it. I've been on simmer for too long and now it's time for me to boil over. I've been polite and respectful...and that isn't me. My body is brick. My heart is made of barb wire and c4. My blood Jack Daniels and battery acid. She used to tell me I was a snake. She's gone. Snake is back.

Well and Good

I'm feeling well and good lately. I'm not drinking. I'm exercising. I'm digesting responsibly. It's all well and good. Really. I'm sleeping well. Taking care of myself...I think that's what they call it. I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything to embarass myself in almost a month. When I do drink I rely on the distortion. Not distorted thinking. Its like comforting background noise. Turn your t.v. on. Tune it to one of those stations that are nothing but fuzz. Turn the volume to an acceptable level and just chill. This always comforting buzz...Now my buzz is gone. In many ways.

Random Thoughts (Emotional Vomit)

Healthcare for everyone!!! Praise Jesus. If your young go play. If you're fat go for a run and for god's sakes eat a fucking vegatable every once in a while. Brush and floss your teeth. At least floss is easy to steal if your broke. If your old lift weights. If you eat fast food more than twice a month and you say your on a diet someone needs to kick your ass. If you smoke quit being a fucking coward and go ahead and kill yourself so we don't have to foot the bill you selfish prick.
Is it just me or does Obamacare sound just a little racist?
Indiana is closing a bunch of schools because they are broke. Why do lawmakers pretend to care about future generations when they clearly could care less? No one wants cuts to Medicare or Medicaid but lets face it there won't be any Medicare or Medicaid or Social Security when we get to that age. It would be cool if the teacher just told you you were totally fucked by your parents and your grandparents. Man fuck this....

Sad But True

This is me...hopelessly glaring down to the bottom of an empty Jack Daniel's bottle. Shallow sleepy breaths. What to do? What to do? And now I have it. Inspiration! Turkey on wheat. So often I find inspiration bursting forth from my stomach and my all time favorite attachment. Much less from that powerful machine that supposed to be the boss of everything. Sad but true.

New Species

Lately their has been a lot of talk about the Tea Party movement and Sarah Palin. I believe most people involved in the Tea Party have their hearts in the right place. Small goverment, stop taxing me to death, Sarah Palin, Blah Blah. But there's the problem: Sarah Palin. She's a new politician the likes of which we have never seen. Really? I'll cut taxes. Obama doesn't care about working Joes. I promise I can help you. We really haven't seen this before? Forgive me for having to liken Sarah Palin to a parrot. Schawwkk! I not into fact checking but I'm pretty sure that fancy Tea Party dinner she helped host (or spoke at) dinner was served at $2K a plate. Even our friendly Joe the Plumber's anus puckered at that price. I heard she'll even have her own perfume called Hyocritis coming very soon. All of this should not fall on deaf ears and this should not sting like a papercut but it still does. We live in America. The greatest nation in all the land and the only place these budding young sociopaths can find work is Washington. So this is nothing new. Just the same old with better legs.

Hurt

I feel like listening to Nine Inch Nails today. I'm not being overly dramatic and I don't feel like working out today. I just feel that the song "Hurt" covers just about all that I am feeling. I really liked this song in high school. I used to sing and yell and scream it when no one was home. Johnny Cash also did a version of the song. Johnny's version was unique in the way that you could feel the pain and regret in his voice. Of course as I write this I switch to Mr. Cash. Most people listen to music and feel some sense of comradre with the artist. But I believe this song only stings those with the most self loathing, regret and pain. I think Johnny chose this song because for just a few seconds his heart didn't feel like it was full of cement. Maybe he felt human again for a change. When I was in high school I felt "connected" to the artist. I had felt what he's feeling. As an older voice now I can't help but think what a dumb knownothing little shit I was. I don't really talk about loss and regret. I bury it deep. It's like waking up everyday in the middle of a funeral. These nagging little injuries that no one can see. Maybe Johnny felt the way I feel. Maybe Trent felt the I feel. MAYBE.

Warning Shots

After last Saturday's loss to South Carolina UK's Demarcus Cousins gave a fan a couple of upper cuts to the chin. During a win in Lexington Cousins got away with a blatant elbow to one of UofL's players. The CBS commentators felt he should have been ejected from the game. Eric Crawford of the Courier Journal feels we should "move on". Everything just said was a fact. I have to disagree with Eric for a couple of reasons which I feel to be compelling. I've been a victim of violence. Real violence. I stabbed in my thigh 14 yrs. ago. What I don't tell very many people is that he had tried to stab me in the chest following the intial wound. I was able to overpower my attacker and live to talk about this. Writing this...well it's the first time I've ever thought of myself as being lucky. That thought has never occured to me until just now. As person with this experience and subsequent anger management (court ordered - long story). If Demarcus is capable of attacking people in front of a stadium full of people than what else is he capable of? These are warning shots. Punches thrown without thought or regard for laws or respect of other people. Don't get me wrong there are situations where I feel that violence is an acceptable solution to a problem. I even make room for revenge which I know our society doesn't feel the same way. I don't think that someone bumping into you is a reason to strike them. Furthermore when you do something like this you have to first tell yourself it's ok. How did he get it into to his head that it's ok to elbow a player after a play has been stopped? How do you tell yourself its ok to deck someone for bumping into you? In his case I don't believe their is any calm before the storm. I'm pretty sure we are all hearing the thunder and I'm hear to tell you the storm is on it's way. He's a fantastic basketball player and I enjoy watching him but if you asked me to look into the crystal ball he's one step away from committing a homicide. So Eric if you think we should all just "move on"... you'd be ok with Demarcus dating your daughter? ....Right?

Why Bother

Why do we even bother with a goverment. I know a lot of you are thinking what a crazy notion. Why is it SO crazy? Is it unthinkable to that most people just don't know how to live without someone else telling them what to do. To think. To spend their money on. We grew up being told we live in the greatest nation on earth. How would we know? I haven't been to every other country. I haven't been to 1 other country. Anyway where I'm trying to go with this is why is goverment such a necessary evil when it's pretty clear no one is happy with it. Even in this so called democratic utopia. When your broke they take about 30% of your money and when you can finally make a comfortable wage the goverment feels entitled to take about or more than 50%. The funny thing is that the only thing I've ever felt I have gotten back for that money is use of roads and sidewalks. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy to chip in for these necessities but I don't want a dime of my money going to those clowns in Washington. In the election of '04 they made the elections about gay marriage in the middle of 2 wars. I don't know about you but gay marriage isn't in my top 100 priorities for our lawmakers. They spent a year arguing about this one issue and if you still haven't noticed some of these idiots still bring it up. They make up fictional issues to keep us from noticing that they are stealing from us at a record pace. No offense but if I can't get healthcare then why should I have to pay to make sure that people like Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi get the best imaginable. They steal and lie at every turn and we pay them to do it. It doesn't matter if they are a democrat or a republican they are all terrible. Why did we pay a bunch of contractors over in Iraq like 250K a year when we already have an army? We all know somebody made a bunch of money off of that deal. My head getting ready to explode so just let me leave you with this one thought...why do we really find goverment so necessary? Give me a good fire house. Give me a police department goes after the real bad guys. Fund it by taking away the possessions and holdings of those very bad. No more stupid traffic tickets. No more stupid rules so they can fine you to pay for the food of an inmate that they will execute in a few weeks. Don't worry about the streets and sidewalks because private corparations will be more than happy to keep those tip top because they don't have to spend anymore money on lobbyists and taxes. You have to get to their stores somehow! Tell your local congressman how much you appreciate him but we don't really need him anymore. I know these are crazy radical thoughts but... come on you really think life would come to an end without those guys in Washington?

The State of the Media Address

We all have been watching the news coverage of the recent earthquake in Haiti. I found more than a few things interesting in my own viewing. I noted that while supplies, medical doctors, food, water, and aid slowly trickled in the news media was there almost instantly. Katie Couric, Dianne Sawyer, and Brian Williams all had front row seats to the devastation. Their private or corporate jets had hit the runways in Haiti's capital with nary a snag. Meanwhile things of nessesity hit the inevitable gridlock. Planes had to refuel or reroute because of this gridlock. Food, supplies and doctors will eventually get there, just not in time. Byron Pitts of CBS did a story outside of a hospital. They had one doctor tending to 300 (well they stopped counting at 300) on the front lawn. Of course the doctor had time to do an interview. It went something like this. "Wow! You really look like you could use some help." "Yes, we need more doctors. Much more supplies." Now maybe it's just me but if I were a doctor in the middle hell like that I'm pretty sure I'd be more that a little pissed off that some fucking idiot asked me a question like that. This isn't the first time CBS has pulled shit like this either. Laura Logan went on a special assignment in Afghanistan where she followed the guys around who try to find IED's. Pardon me but I don't need someone trying to ask me questions in while I'm busy trying to dismantle bomb. These are stories you report on after the fact. It's a careless disregard for life. I find it to be intolerable. You aren't safe if you play sports either. Just ask Tiger Woods or Brett Farve. All Brett did was unretire and the wolves were all over him hoping he would fail. Jim Rome is my favorite example because he was particularly vicious saying, "hang it up Brett" and "it's over". Brett's more than likely going to the Super Bowl. Jim Rome well he shoots his mouth off on camera. Maybe he should retire seeing as how anything he says has no bearing on anything. Where I'm trying to go with this is...you used to be special to get special treatment. Now you only get special treatment if you are able to report on the special people.

The "I'm Sorry" Workout

I'm tired of trying to find a reason to go to the gym but today I think I found one. I call it the I'm Sorry workout. On any given day you see tabloid junk the likes ofthe Tiger Woods scandal, Charlie Sheen, Brittney Murphy, Gilbert Arenas, Mark McGuire...you catch my drift. Well instead of watching these public meltdowns snacking on chips and sitting on the couch get your fat lazy ass up and do it at the gym. Watching the national media crucify people for being human is pretty pathetic but it's a little less pathetic if it's doing some good too. So the next time you see a celebrity say he or she is sorry you owe me 3 mile or 45 minutes in the gym lifting weights. That way you can feel superior and look superior on that high horse of yours.

Playoff Picks

Today I'm going to talk about one of my favorite things in the world ...FOOTBALL. First off I'm going to take Indy over Baltimore. My reason being I think Indy can stop Ray Rice and I don't think Joe Flacco will be able to come from behind. I don't care what any so called expert says about the post season Mr. Manning knows how to win Period... Next let's talk about the Saints versus the Cards. I think the Saints are going to win in the dome. If you haven't heard their quarterback is Drew Brees. Looking at the post season stats of Kurt Warner makes me feel alittle nervous about this pick but ...DREW BREES!!! Look for the Jets to lose to the Chargers but I get the feeling the Jets will turn this into a truly ugly game and you'll come away from the game feeling dirty that the Chargers just eeked this one out. Now the game everyone is looking forward to most the VIKINGS VS the COWBOYS. I don't like the Cowboys I never have but I'll say this...the Vikings will win. Not because I like them because they have Jared Allen, Pat and Kevin Williams, and that old guy (you know Brett somebody). I like what the Cowboys have done this year I actually picked them to beat the Saints but I think they will fall just a touch short. As for Tony Romo I think next year will be his year. I think he'll quit listening to the hype and play quality football. Whether I like them or not the Cowboys will be in the Playoffs next year and I believe they will be rolling. You stay classy San Diego.

Looking in the Mirror

The other day I looked in the mirror. To be quite honest I had no I idea who I was looking at. His hair was starting to gray and his forehead had wrinkles. Those nasty black circles under his eyes. The years of hangovers and bad decisions had finally got to me. At 30 I feel like I have a hangover even if I don't drink the night before. No one told me about that. No one told me that my body will hurt more with physical activity but you can say whatever you wish to me its forgotten in moments. Not because the words don't have merit or truth in them but because I've been called every name in the book and after that there is nowhere else to go. When I was young I saw the movie "Terminator 2 Judgement Day". I saw the world more through John Connor's eyes. Getting old and the lack of emotion. I feel much more like that old model terminator machine. I wake up do what I have to do and go to sleep. Nothing good or bad just treading water in the deep end of the ocean.